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A young woman from Bengaluru has sparked widespread discussion on Reddit after sharing her experience regarding a seemingly simple yet deeply significant issue—how to celebrate Diwali with her own family while being married. Her post, shared on the popular subreddit Inside Indian Marriages, highlights how gender bias and patriarchal expectations continue to influence modern marriages, even in households that appear outwardly egalitarian. Her story, while specific, resonates with many women who find themselves negotiating family traditions, cultural expectations, and personal desires within their marriages.

The woman, who has been married for three years, currently resides with her husband in a rented apartment in Bengaluru. She shared that both she and her husband come from different parts of India—she is from Pune, Maharashtra, while her husband is from Rajasthan. For the first two years of their marriage, the couple celebrated Diwali exclusively with his family, a practice she accepted without protest at the time. However, this year, several factors—including her husband’s professional interviews, her own promotion, and the high cost of travel tickets—prevented them from visiting his family. The couple had already traveled to his hometown multiple times earlier in the year, making it practical and financially reasonable to stay in Bengaluru. Despite understanding this, she noted that his parents were upset by their decision, which only added to her frustration.

During a conversation about future Diwali celebrations, the woman suggested that perhaps they could spend the next Diwali in Pune so that she could celebrate with her own family. She explained that she had not been able to celebrate with her parents for three years and deeply missed the experience. Her husband’s reaction, however, left her feeling disheartened. She noted that it was almost as if she needed his permission to visit her own family, a sentiment that starkly highlighted the subtle but persistent patriarchal norms that still exist even in marriages that otherwise seem equal. His responses revealed an ingrained mindset that placing his family’s preferences over hers was the default expectation.

The husband proposed several alternatives during their discussion, each reflecting the same gendered bias. One suggestion was that they could celebrate Diwali at his place first and then travel to her parents’ home the following day. When she questioned why the order could not be reversed, he responded with an embarrassed laugh, implying that the idea of prioritizing her family was unusual or unacceptable. He also suggested inviting her family to their home in Bengaluru for the festival, an option she immediately recognized as impractical, noting that her parents could not easily leave their own home, just as his parents could not. At one point, he admitted, “I know this should be changed, but I’ve only seen this same thing for 32 years,” revealing that tradition and habit were significant factors in his approach. When asked whether he would be comfortable if a child in the future celebrated Diwali at the mother’s family home rather than the father’s, he looked away, offering no substantive response, highlighting his unease with reversing traditional norms.

Throughout the discussion, the husband repeatedly emphasized that she now “belongs to our family,” a remark she challenged by asking why he did not recognize that he also belongs to her family. Her reflections on these interactions capture the emotional strain caused by subtle, persistent patriarchy: despite her husband being otherwise respectful and egalitarian in many aspects of their marriage, traditional expectations and fear of offending his parents continued to dictate decisions about family celebrations. She expressed frustration at needing to request permission for what should be a simple decision and noted that if roles were reversed, it would likely be considered normal for the wife to defer. This imbalance underscores the way gender norms remain deeply embedded in social and familial practices.

Her post concluded with a reflection that resonated with many readers: celebrating festivals at the wife’s family home is often looked down upon, revealing how men traditionally have it easier in such circumstances, while women’s experiences and desires are frequently overlooked. The post emphasized that even seemingly trivial discussions about festival plans can become sites of gendered negotiation, exposing the subtle ways patriarchy operates within personal relationships. For her, a truly considerate partner would naturally propose alternating the celebrations each year, thereby maintaining fairness and mutual respect, rather than defaulting to long-standing but unequal traditions.

The Reddit community responded to her story with empathy, advice, and shared experiences. Some users reflected on the challenges of equality in marriage, noting that many men uphold egalitarian principles in theory but remain constrained by family expectations or traditional practices when it comes to key decisions like holiday celebrations. One commenter wrote, “Men love equality till the time you pay equal bills. Beyond that, and anything that can offend their parents is off-limits. I have been married for six years and have only celebrated Diwali with my parents once. It feels frustrating.” This echoed the woman’s own experience and highlighted how widespread the issue remains.

Other Reddit users offered practical solutions for achieving more equitable arrangements. Some suggested alternating days or weeks spent with each family, including for festivals. For example, one commenter shared, “We go to each other’s place for equal days. Literally. He can go to his parents’ house whenever he wants, and the same with me. When we go together, we spend an equal number of days at each home. For festivals, it’s Holi at my place, Diwali at his, and vice versa next year.” This approach emphasizes compromise, fairness, and clear scheduling, ensuring that both partners’ families are respected while also addressing the individual desires of each spouse.

More assertive advice also appeared in the discussions. Some suggested that she could unilaterally decide to spend Diwali with her own family and let her husband visit his separately, challenging the implicit expectation that she must seek approval. One commenter wrote, “Stop going to the in-laws’ house from next time. Go to your parents’ house, and he will go to his house. Soon, he will agree with you. Or don’t even go to anyone’s house.” Another highlighted the emotional and relational aspect, emphasizing that if a husband is unwilling to take his wife’s feelings into account, it may reflect deeper issues in the relationship: “For God’s sake, just go to your family. Don’t waste your precious tears so that he can maintain his family’s hypocritical expectations. And please, this dude is not a great husband if he can’t even see how much you’re hurting. There are men who do way better. Don’t lower the bar for your husband—let him improve and meet your standards.”

The conversation also touched on geographic and cultural contexts. One commenter pointed out that the freedoms enjoyed by women in metropolitan areas such as Mumbai or Pune are less common elsewhere, suggesting that asserting one’s independence in such urban contexts is not only possible but also increasingly normalized. “You are not equal in your marriage and you don’t need his permission to visit your parents. Let him handle his parents and you enjoy yours with yours. The freedoms we enjoy in Mumbai and Pune are rarely found anywhere else in the country,” they wrote.

Navigating situations like this requires a combination of communication, compromise, and boundary-setting. Openly expressing feelings without blame, proposing equitable solutions, asserting one’s independence respectfully, and seeking advice from trusted communities or professional counselors are all effective strategies. Incremental changes, such as alternating festival celebrations over a few years, can gradually shift entrenched patriarchal norms while preserving family harmony. While no single approach guarantees immediate resolution, adopting these principles can help couples create a more balanced, respectful, and fulfilling relationship dynamic.

Ultimately, the woman’s experience serves as a microcosm of the challenges many women face in modern Indian marriages, where traditions, cultural expectations, and subtle gender biases often intersect with personal desires. The story highlights the importance of advocating for equality in everyday decisions, challenging norms gently but firmly, and prioritizing mutual respect. While the issue arose from a discussion about Diwali celebrations, the underlying themes—autonomy, respect, equality, and negotiation within marriage—resonate broadly, offering insight into how contemporary couples can navigate the delicate balance between tradition and personal agency.

This Reddit post and the ensuing discussions underline that achieving equality in marriage is not simply about shared finances or joint decision-making; it is also about validating each partner’s needs, creating fair compromises, and actively challenging subtle forms of patriarchy that persist in domestic and familial contexts. The conversation around the woman’s Diwali dilemma emphasizes that even small, culturally significant events can serve as opportunities to model fairness, respect, and modern marital equality, ultimately fostering a relationship where both partners feel valued, heard, and empowered.